The end-of-the-world diet

I’m fairly certain that the end of time is upon us.  I mean, come on, it’s just too hot.  And it’s been too hot for too long.   The strange winter was certainly a harbinger of the times ahead, but this heat and drought is the real thing.  I’m not ruling out that this may be a replay of God’s wrath on a recalcitrant people.   Who of you can say you haven’t sinned?   Right?  By the way, please don’t answer that question by e-mail.  Duh!

To give credence to this theory of doom, I was west of Newton, when I saw these critters in somebody’s yard before they scurried off:

Yes, I think we can safely call these living-room sized beasts the biblical LOCUSTS.  End of the argument that this is the end.

So, what to eat on your last days?  I have a few recommendations.  Start your morning with  an old-fashioned coffee cake from Starbucks.

My app says it weighs in at 440 calories and it is deliciously buttery.  Excellent beginning to the end.  If you add a white chocolate peppermint mocha grande to that delight, we’re talking an additional 350 calories.  Nearly 800 calories and you haven’t yet had breakfast — which all diet books stress you should not skip if you want to remain faithful.  We do.

Let’s have a couple slices of homemade spinach quiche from Ritual Cafe as a way to break our fast.  Mmmm . . . good.   576 calories of creamy deliciousness.   Death by pleasure.  I volunteer.

Oh, look, with the car air conditioner running nonstop, we need to gas up at Casey’s.  You connoisseurs may be dismayed by this, but their pizza makes my heart flutter.  Two slices should make it flutter a little more.

842 calories and a full tank of gas.  Life is Wonderful.

Oops, there’s McDonalds — just a few fries to get home (380 calories) — and voila, here they are!

Home at last, but it is nap time.  Caution: don’t lie on your stomach for fear of SIDS: Sudden Indigestion Delayed Syndrome (not as medically well-known as you’d think).

Awaking refreshed and hungry, it is time for a little french baguette from La Mie (180 calories for one serving) and cheese from The Cheese Shop (1 oz at 110 calories):

Don’t eat too much because dinner time is near.  Tonight we’re going for the Dairy Queen Chicken Strip Basket – 4 piece with Country Gravy.  1030 calories.  Washed down by the delicious medium chocolate malt — reasonably coming in at 790 calories.

4,698 calories later, it is time to find a spot to sleep . . . .

Hah!  Just a small joke.

No, be like my nephew Nick — kick back, pull down your shades, let your hair stick out, and watch the world go by — it is the right attitude for the end of time as appropriately shared with a plate full of fries.

Stay cool.

Joe

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